Remember?

It's been a year and the physical scars have begun to fade.

But what about the emotional?

One look at the streets in the morning and you'd think that the pain still lingers, fresh, stabbing and as painful.

Second looks guarantee you'd think again.

Oh look at all those people dressed in white, just sitting and thinking about those who were at the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain unlucky. They cannot have any other possible motive to be reliving hurt and sorrow, can they??

But wait, are they even really those who've been touched by the insanity?? Or are they there to make a media statement?

What media? Why, those cameras all around at discreet distances, set to capture 'pure emotion'.

I don't deny that there are those who were touched, and who were hurt and who still hurt. But I don't believe that more than 10% of these crowds are made up of that population.

Besides, I wonder, what use is any of it?

What use is it to morcha on the roads or to set up murals on the walls?

Is it to raise awareness? Too late, people were aware of the drama a year ago. Very acutely, at that.

Is it to make sure that something is done? But what? Aren't our leaders working on it? Sure, you'd think you'd see AK47s in the hands of every traffic hawaldaar, but let's face it, in 3 years there will be weapons that make those look like lathis.

Sure, maybe you want to see naval warships permanently dotting the horizon, but let me tell you, they have other things to do. Which is not to say that the security of the city is not important, but if you want to have a safe and secure life in general, you'd better hope that they don't in fact cover your visible horizon.

What more can be done at the current date about the trial that seems to be looking to establish a long life record?

Short of all out war, nothing. There are those that argue that we need to be more strict and we should just shoot the son of a---

But then what? With living proof, we have issues with regards proving guilt. What a field day they'll have without it.

How much pressure more can we put on them if the 'parent countries' of the world insist on maintaining ridiculous neutrality and pumping more money in? There's only so much our truly sincere leaders can do and in all honesty, they're doing quite a decent job.

So it's been a year since, and we all remember the horror, surprise, shock and total suspension from reality that we felt.

And the wheels are moving.

But I rebel against wearing white to commemorate the occasion, and peace rallies and all the rest. I truly feel for the victims and those linked to them, this is something no person should have to go through. I still ace at the thought of all those people, and all the pointless gore.

I cried to see the Taj burning, and I cried on reading all the stories. I had a terribly heavy heart while scanning the scrolls on news channels, which had all those messages from frantic loved ones praying and hoping and sometimes grabbing straws. I was happy for those who lived.

But coming out of the curfew and the whole ordeal and feeling free again was a bittersweet deal and recalling that melange of feelings is still exhausting.

Please give hypocrisy a rest and actually feel.

The media can take care of itself.

Unhinged

I can't count the number of times I've felt this way, and frankly, it's getting pretty old.

When I'm happy, I want to be sad. It doesn't make sense.

This one is to all my friends. I don't know what's happening to me, and if I ever for anything get easily annoyed, or snap like a snapping turtle (Ugly things, aren't they? Though I still love them for their sheer ancientness) please take it as a defence mechanism and assume me to be an endangered species and forgive.

I really truly appreciate each and every one of you guys for being as unique and special as you are. And though I won't mention names, I'm going to try very hard to describe you guys, as you are to me (Warning, very senti post ahead).

Aaaannnnnddd..... In random order, here come the elite!!!

You, there, with the hair that matches mine (with respect to type according to those unfamiliar with the intricacies with our hair type), you're my special pep-tonic. I can always count on you to liven up anything no matter how unavoidably boring it is. I know that it's impossible to be so happy all the time, and yet you hide your inner turmoils very well, and hardly ever show us your deeper feelings. I love you for always being the knight in shining armour and here's declaring that I'll be here to support you not matter what.

And, lucky number two, with the dimples... Always crazy, funny, considerate, slightly hot tempered, you understand my every filmy dialogue and read the truth behind the tackiness. My sweet, understanding, loving darling (don't you raise your eyebrows, I'm slightly drunk and you know what happens to me at such times) chicky, don't you ever change for nobody. No matter who tells you what about your verbal speed or anything else. You're perfect as you are. I don't know what I'd do without those long venting sessions in the BEST buses, and the nuttiness that can raise me above my every bad mood.

And recent birthday girl!!! I'm still older than you!!! Muahahahaha!!! But seriously, quiet and supporting, people would do you the gravest injustice to assume you in the supporting roles. No way, you're either the main strength behind every spotlight role, or the troubleshooter, always ready to help anyone in trouble. I love your spontaneous comments, your grin when you flash your (ahem...shiny) pearly whites. Committed or not, you're definitely very important in my life. (Forgive the shortness of reference, but I just wrote you a nice long letter)

Crazytallfunchick!!! You're my link to the fantasy world!! With you I can talk about stuff that sounds like double dutch to everyone else. I'm so speechless with your brilliance (and besides, I'm being yelled at to get off the comp!! ) that I can't think of anything more to say. Love you man, stay as nuts as you are, and I guarantee that I'll always be as speechless.

And, now to the long distance relationships..

My best friends part one, two, and three (this is in random order, as and how I think of them, but to rate them would be doing them injustices). So the one in the south, you, my love are always ready to follow up and and every crazy and random comment I make (including Bertha the amorous cow) with a sensible comment (well sensible with respect to the conversation, not with respect to bystanders). And the one in the north, shrewd, smart, fun, witty, you'll always be the one who catches my every lie almost before I say it. You know me well enough to know when I'm hiding my tears, so well, in fact, that you know I'm thinking of hiding my tears before I even try to hide! You two have been in my life ever since the 7th, and have each in your own way helped me through various stages of my life. I don't know which God put us in the same class in the 7th, nor how we managed to bond so quickly and so well, but I thank Him for the miracles that you two are!! And the other one in the north, I don't know if you agree with me referring to you as one of my best friends, but I count you as one of my survival guides (which you already know, but what the hell). You know exactly how to be cute and flighty at the same time. I don't think I've ever met anyone who can make me laugh so many times in a minute, nor bring a smile to my face with a simple "chall naaa..." Love ya, dumbchick!!! (If you want more compliments, read the note I wrote for you..I'm tired of complimenting you!!)

This one's going to be a little harder. I don't know what to say about him. There was a time when I thought I'd given him too much credit, and that as usual, I'd been wrong. But these days, he's become an integral part of my life (I know most of the above mentioned are rolling their eyes, but I have to repeat this). I'm going to proceed to make the biggest fool of myself that I can. He's the only guy thus far who has been able to piss me off and then make me feel better all in under a minute. I don't know how far this is going to go, but I'm cherishing ever second, making memories of each one. He's got a crappy sense of humour, bad timing (always get calls when I can't call and then I have to call and waste my balance), and no matter how sad I am, he can cheer me up. Maybe I'm giving you too much importance again, but it all depends on my mood, and right now, it's good.

And returning to Santa for like the millionth time. I've already written a nice long post about you, though I know your big headboy ego wants to be included in every post... You have a hope!! Anyway, like I said before, practical, smart, witty, etc etc etc... I'm not doing you justice in this post man, I know. My personal version of the Godfather (hey, I knew I forgot something in the previous post!!) , amazing grasp of sarcasm ( I know I don't give you credit, but here it is, on a silver platter). Enough!! I'm being too partial!!

And junior chickie, you're like my sarcastic soul mate!!! I love to chat with you on the randomest things (you're one of those who are exceptions to the rule of chattier online than in person). And you're like the Mr Pickwick to my Snodgrass (I'm high on Dickens right now, and I'd like to compare myself to Snodgrass, and you're totally Pickwick, only less portly).

Not really so far away as the above mentioned few, but not as near as the others so I relegate you to this category. There was a time when I used to literally spend a major chunk of my life with you. Not in the flesh, but virtually. Maybe with life catching up, we don't talk as regularly nor as much, but I know you'll receive some neurotic messages from me many many times yet. Don't roll you eyes, accept my neuroticism (if that's not a word, I've made it up) as it is.

You guys are all so immensely important to me. Thank you guys so much for being there through my neurotic, paranoid, frustrating periods of life!!

A heavy introduction, just because....
What is going on in the world? Is there some projected 'end of the world' coming up that I don't know about? Or is the human race about to get wiped out? Or is there a new rule that states that nobody can be committed once they get their brains to function? Whatever the reason be, someone needs to tell kids that there is no time limit for this...........!!!! The only thing that gets achieved by this mad rush is that by the time you hit 17, there's nobody who doesn't know how to deal with a breakup. For God's sake!!!! I mean, there's no maturity, and yes, I'm talking about me as well, being well inside the age limits, so like I was saying, no maturity, and mostly it's never about true feelings. Most of my friends hardly know their guys. and they claim to be in love. Never have I agreed with the hindi film hypothesis that 'pyaar ek hi baar hota hai' but I do agree with the 'love is friendship' theory. How can you claim to be in love with someone if you don't know him or her???? And by knowing I DO NOT mean favourite colour and best features. Does hiding stuff from your parents, meeting in secret places, doing God alone knows what give enough of a high to ignore everything else including Jiminy Cricket and good sense?? Seems like the drug trade is on the decline.......and the contraceptive industry better take steps to prepare fot the expected rise in demand.
for those idiots who will definitely read this and claim to understand that I am a bitter, scarred, and vindictive soul with a singular purpose in life to lash out at those who offended me.....rest easy. This is not and isn't meant to be a hindi serial script.

Patriotism Is A Dying Virtue...Totally

What does Patriotism mean, really??
Is it when you get drunk and start singing the national song out loud in public?
Or is it going to watch Rang De Basanti thrice in the theatre?
Does anyone these days know exactly what patriotism means??
Does anyone really sit down and wonder where the country is going or where they're gonna take the country?? Is any well to do, smart young kid ready to forgo amazing, dollar earning opportunities abroad and settle down in a country where even the smartest hardly get a job worth their salt?? We're oh so proud of our 'amazing culture, traditions....blah blah' Are we really doing anything to promote them? When given a choice, do we pick the harmonium or the guitar?I'm not preaching, I'm merely stating a point.
We're so bent on aping the West that we're basically overlooking the very obvious point that they spent every damn atom of energy in doing their best to better the status of their countries!But to be fair, its not really a lucrative thing to be a patriot.
I mean, a career in the Armed forces, for example, is not something that will be livable with, given the crappy lifestyle (for those adults who actually live the life, not for the kids, in retrospect) and the (supposedly) sad pay. Why wouldn't any sensible person pick up a CEO opportunity???
It's sad, really, working in this country is not worth it anymore, according to everyone with an eye out for a decent standard of living. It's very literally a thankless job......And I am so damn ashamed to say it.
Everything here is reserved, and nobody who deserves a thing really gets it.
Oh, sure, there are all those human interest stories about the deserving, hard working underprivileged....but those are just pinpricks....What about us normal people who don't get to come under a Quota???
What are we supposed to do? Beg for a seat??
The highest percentage in one of the everlasting board exams this year was about 99%
How long before everyone gets a 100%???
And then what? What do you do with all those hopeful kids who have a chance less than they'd like to think of getting into a good college, or whatever.....Basically, that is the basis of patriotism...... It's all about future prospects....after all, it's about self preservation...
So that is the future of our country, even if the reverse brain drain situation continues, it'll be all the work of Harvard, Stanford, and all the high profile etceteras.

Shivers Down My Spine

I admit, till a couple months ago, I thought I wanted to do journalism.
There's something so exciting and satisfying about seeing something you've worked on actually in print!! And if a small little welfare organisation publication can make you feel so good, just what will be the high of seeing your articles in print in a national level NEWSPAPER???
But, honestly, if media continues to be anything like what it is at this point in time, I doubt I'm opting for it.
Watching news stories about the recent serial blasts in Ahmadabad, and Bangalore, and even recalling clips about the Bhutto assassination, I notice/remember that the pictures broadcast are more horrific than the actual event.
After a blast, do you really want people sitting and watching the news to see a fatally wounded victim's face?? Do you personally want to see a stretch of blood-stained road?? Do you HONESTLY want to see a victim crying, sobbing his/her heart out because of the loss, or the shock??
Isn't this violating basic human rights??
Print media is often behind the times as they have to adhere to printing times, and their deadlines. But with the coming of the visual media, and 24hr channels, it's news whether you want it or not. every channel is racing with their rival to broadcast a new piece of news as soon as possible. More air space, pulling off other items, it's all part of the game. But these images......
Bhutto's coffin being hoisted into the ambulance, her blood stained car. A mangled cycle, a fatally injured blast victim, a grievously hurt man just holding on. How does this pertain to the news? I know it links to your reports about the blasts, and "So and so many victims, and so many fatal, etc etc" but please, please, avoid the graphic images, and the repetitive blood-and-gore shots. You're just giving those evil, fanatic, ruthless, crazed people what they want.
Fame
Recognition
Notoriety
And what do we, sitting at home, or those out on the streets, or those looking for some contact with their loved ones get?
Blood
Gore
Fear
Sick feelings of hopelessness, anger, desolation...
How is this the essence of media??
How can any of this be described as 'progress'??
Maybe BMS IS my true calling, coz I hope, that I never get to be this cold and ruthless.

So, What Next??

After that last post, I went offline, got a drink, got drunk, wasted, actually, and now I'm back.
Well, no.
I stayed online, and looked at pictures and read up articles for a project I'm supposed to do sometime this week. While I was at that, I was wondering.
What happens next?
I study,
Probably, hopefully get an average of 80%
Maybe graduate with psychology and maybe become a psychologist.
And then what?
I used to dream of life after school.
Everyday a different adventure, every road holding a surprise around its next corner.
I wanted to travel the world, see different places, meet people, write for little kids, and maybe show them that life isn't all about slogging and working.
I wanted to sing my own tunes, dance with the fairies (yes, I believe they exist), sleep under the stars aboard a little boat on a lake somewhere.
Swim with the dolphins, talk to the wind, gallop with horses, unlock every deep desire of my heart.
I wanted to live among the stars, hear their stories, surf the galaxy, and decide my own eventual destiny.
I wanted to fly far into the horizon, I wanted to float on my back and dream about the lands in the clouds above.
I wanted to do things my parents have never dreamt of, bungee jump, go to a club and get wasted, backpack across Europe, relive my life, meet all my old friends, kiss the perfect guy under the stars with the sound of music in the background, live life by my rules, for the first time in my life.
Just imagine it, no parents, teachers, adults, or anyone to tell you what to do with your day.
Sigh...dreams.
But that's no the way things work here.
Study, graduate, get married, live life in the same continuous rut that your mum, and her mum before her have always lived in. It's a gift handed down through the ages.
The stars will keep on shining without me, the world has to wait.
Travelling to new places, sure! A new bus-stop this morning, or a different railway station...
Those kids will have to wait. Life IS all about slogging, and working, and sticking to it, no matter how much you hate it, or how much you'd rather be under the full moon in Paris.
A few lucky people get to live their dreams.
The rest of us just get lost in the crowd of others like us, who dreamt big, and now have nothing but the daily rut.

Second Star to the Right and Where to Next??

Fairies have their lives easy.
Any one of the said category who'd like to argue that point with me can come on up and do it. I shall simply brandish a Board paper at you and ask you to complete it without magic in a 'reasonable' time interval of 3 hours. That sound like a decent idea??
As you can probably see, the exam fever has me in it's clutches (Let me go, you accursed thing!!). I just got clubbed over the head with the realisation that sleep from hence forth is going to be hard to find. Of all the times of the day, the peaceful, sacrosanct night has to be the time disrupted. I did plan a sit-in protesting against this, but apparently, nobody was interested, everyone being fast asleep. Sleeping off the action of the night time.
What, you may ask, do we do at night??
Oh it's very interesting.
Economics.
Political Science.
Math. (Yay math!!)
Psychology.
French.
You get the picture......
Alert the media, there's a hot new nocturnal occupation for underage citizens of the country!!!!
It's called sleeplessness.
People all over the country suffer from insomnia, and family members force them to seek help, and are extremely worried about them.
WHAT ABOUT US?????
Family in our case, is PROUD of the insomnia. It means we're working hard, you see. Towards our long term (yet undecided, in my case) goals. We study for the knowledge, we study for the learning, we study to develop our country.
Rubbish.
We study for cash. Cold, hard, cash.
Why do you think nobody stays in this country for higher studies?
Cash.
Campus placements are way more lucrative when they're counted in dollars.
And what about us poor souls, who still believe in fairies, who still wake up in the dead of night every 24th December in the hopes that we might spot Santa, who still look up at the moon and imagine it to be a beautiful piece of magic, who dream by day and live them by night(this usage of the night is probably most useful), who seem to live normal lives, but have a secret corner of their minds where they hide away their true ideas so as not let them be exposed to the glaring realities of the world???
The pretty thoughts stay locked up. They're pushed to the background as each and every one of those rare souls are forced to focus on the harsh truths in life, are forced to become ruthless and use any means possible to reach the top. All for cash. Those story-tellers are stifled, their ideas forever lost, and if by chance, the world ever gets to hear one of their stories, it's by a mere fluke.
All for cash.
Disillusioned?
Yes. Sadly so. I grew up thinking the world was ours to change, we were it's masters, and it had to obey our views. Not so.
WE change.
WE have to choose.
WE are the ones who obey.
But sadly, we were the ones who made things this way in the first place.
Pray for peace???
I pray for the dreamers. I hope that they can live their dreams, continue to spin pretty thoughts, and continue to live in a secret world of fairydust.
I hope that the rat-race doesn't swallow them up as it did to those before them, and I hope that some day, being a dreamer is as much a respectable way of life as being a doctor is.